How Far Can We Go?

Many Christians who don’t have sex before marriage have this attitude: “Let’s go as far as we can physically without having sex”. That is the wrong attitude. The question: How far can we go physically should not be asked. Don’t look for a line not to cross so you can get as close as you can without sinning. The goals should be to save as much as possible for marriage and to honor God in your relationship. One good basic principle to live by is to never let someone of the opposite sex to touch you in any area that a swimsuit would cover.

Questions That You Should Ask:

1.) Would this activity glorify and honor God?

2.) If I participate in this activity with a person of the opposite sex, will I have a hard time explaining to my future spouse about what I did with someone else?

3.)  Would my future husband or wife be hurt by the physical relationship I have with this guy or girl?

4.) What physical boundaries does God want me to have in my relationships with the opposite sex? You should pray about this.

5.) Am I giving too much of my heart away? See Emotional Purity.

If you are currently in a relationship, you should pray about what boundaries God want you to set and find some strong Christians preferably married couples who believe very strongly in purity who can keep you accountable. Ask them what they think about your physical relationship often.

Many women don’t realize how some of the physical things they do with guys can cause them to become aroused. One engaged guy shared that God convicted him that he should get out of the hammock with his fiancée because he was enjoying being close to her body and it caused him to have lustful thoughts.  Look at what Ephesians 5:3 says: But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.  Jesus said “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” in Matthew 5:28.  This is why you should set a lot of physical boundaries in your relationship.

I have a lot of respect for Rebecca St. James, a wonderful Christian singer who has spoken a lot about purity to young people. I appreciate her passion about this issue because immorality is so common among even strong Christians today.  She set some great boundaries in her relationships with guys including the fact that she would never lie down on a bed with a guy who she was not married to even if there was no sex at all. She feels that there is something sacred about the bed because of what Hebrews 13:4 says. Rebecca decided the first time she would lie down on a bed with a guy would be on her wedding night. She also made the decision that she would never be alone with a guy in a bedroom with the door shut or even be in a house alone with a guy who was just her friend. She talked in “Pure” Devotional about how she would not go to a single guy’s house alone to work on a song with him. She trusted him, but she wanted to avoid the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and she didn’t want people to accuse her of not walking the talk about purity. Some people may think that those guidelines are silly, but they are great guidelines that strive to honor God and help you to stay pure. I personally will never be alone in a house with a guy even if he is a brother due to appearance of evil and false accusations. A number of years ago, I refused to be alone in a house with a childhood friend who is like a brother due to appearance of evil. I have made a decision that whenever I’m in a relationship with a guy that we will never be alone in a house due to appearance of evil and temptations. I desire to be a wonderful example of purity. Being alone in a house with someone you are dating is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Strong Christians are very vulnerable because they often think that they are too strong to fall to temptations.

Good Resources About Purity & How Far You Can Go:

How far can we go in touching each other?

How Far Is Too Far?

Guidelines For Sexual Purity

 

Emotional Purity

I am very grateful that my church participated in several True Love Waits rallies when I was in the youth group.  But there was one issue that was never addressed in my youth group. The issue of guarding your heart and emotions was never addressed.  I was alarmed to see a number of teenagers in the youth group going through painful break ups and how they gave piece of their hearts away that should have been reserved for their future spouses. My parents told me that I could not date until I was 16. I ended up not dating. I decided I didn’t want to do the "worldly" dating game that my friends in the youth group did because of the pain they went through. My aunt told me about how many people in the youth group at her church made a commitment to not date or court until they were ready to consider marriage. Many of them also made commitments to guard their hearts and I really liked that idea. I was amazed at how they were content in their singleness and their willingness to wait on God’s timing. It was amazing that many of them had healthy friendships with the opposite sex. I started attending the singles’ bible study my aunt’s church a few months shy of my 18^th birthday and I gained so many insights about relationships.  We went to a wonderful conference about relationships & dating by Joshua Harris in Atlanta in August 1997. Joshua shared his personal story about how he was still a virgin, but that he had given his heart away and was too physical with his past girlfriend and how he regretted it. He encouraged us to wait on God’s best for a future spouse, stay physically and emotionally pure, and make most of our singleness and that we should be content in our singleness.

Many people bring emotional baggage in marriages from past dating relationships because they had painful break ups and they gave pieces of their hearts away.

The divorce rate is alarmingly very high among young Christians today. Emotions can be dangerous because so many people get engaged or married too quickly without really getting to know each other. They base their decisions to get married or engaged quickly on emotions. People should take plenty of time to get to know each other better and think through some very tough and important questions.  I have had the privilege of having a number of guy friends over the years. You can really learn a lot from friendships with the opposite sex. It took me a year to know that one guy friend and I were not compatible. We never dated. I’m grateful for the wonderful friendship we had.

Check out a great web site about emotional purity and how to set boundaries at http://emotionalpurity.blogspot.com/2007/01/what-is-emotional-purity.html.

Benefits Of Abstinence

The Benefits of Abstinence Before Marriage Are:

1.) You won’t have to explain your past to your future spouse

2.) Virginity is the best gift you could give to your future spouse

3.) You won’t have to worry about acquiring HIV or an STD including HPV that causes 99% of cervical cancer cases

4.) You won’t have to deal with regret, guilt, fear of commitment, and other emotional consequences

5.) You don’t have to worry about how it will affect your Christian witness

6.) You will have assurance that you are in the center of God’s will in this area of life

7.) You will be able to tell your future children that you waited for sex until marriage

8.) Your bond with your future spouse will be much more special if you both are virgins on your wedding day

Concern About Teenagers and Purity

It is so sad about how purity doesn’t seem to be addressed very much with teenagers and young single adults in churches anymore today. I think that pastors should address purity more in the church. It is rare for young Christians to stay pure today. I am very disturbed that there are no True Love Waits rallies in my community anymore. My community used to have True Love Waits rallies each year when I was a teenager. Many churches in the community gathered together for True Love Waits Rally at one location. That was about 17-18 years ago. One of the rallies was on a Valentine’s Day weekend. The rallies had speakers who spoke about God's plan for sexual purity. I have fond memories of a young married couple speaking to the group about how they saved sex for marriage and how it was worth waiting. I think that more young married couples who saved sex for marriage should speak to youth and singles groups. I feel this would have a bigger impact on teenagers because they usually look to Christians not much older than them as role models. Many teenagers signed commitment cards at the rally that they would save sex for marriage. I signed a True Love Waits card and I will give it to my future husband someday. True Love Waits rallies need to be reinstated. They are absolutely necessary in this generation.

Youth pastors and parents should devote a lot of time talking to teenagers and children about the importance of staying pure and how they can honor God and their future spouses with the interactions they have with the opposite sex. Leslie and Eric Ludy who are well known for the book that they wrote, “When God Writes Your Love Story” wrote an excellent book about teaching teenagers true love, “Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation”. I recommend that all Christian parents and youth pastor read this book. God has really used Eric and Leslie Ludy to impact the next generation. I had the privilege of attending a purity conference that Eric and Leslie Ludy did at a church in April 2010. There were so many teenagers there and that really encouraged me because churches rarely do purity conferences today.

I was very pleased to learn that one of my friends who is 24 years old posted “I stand in the name of "retro" values, the institution of marriage, sex w/ one man & only after he marries me. Will anyone stand up w/ me?!” on a social networking web site. It made me very sad to learn that only one person commented and agreed on her posting. I am very proud of my friend for speaking up about her commitment to purity. I am thankful that she has chosen to follow God’s will regarding purity even when she doesn’t get much encouragement. She has a wonderful gift to give to her future husband someday. I wish there were more people like her who would boldly post comments about their commitments to purity. She is such a wonderful role model to young people.

I had the privilege of participating in an amazing wedding 4 years ago where the pastor announced that my friends both were virgins and had stayed pure for each other. This was one of the best weddings I’ve attended. The lady was 26 and the man was 30. That really means a lot to me because I was one of the few people in the youth group at another church who kept my commitment to True Love Waits. It is pretty rare for a 30 year old single guy to be a virgin so that was very encouraging to me. This guy is a wonderful example to single guys. Many people in high school think that virgin guys are not cool and that they are abnormal which is not true. I would love to see more weddings where the pastor announces that both bride and groom are virgins. This is God’s perfect plan.

Many teenagers take purity more seriously when they hear younger people value purity. If you are a single adult and you are a virgin, speak up boldly about how you have stayed pure and be a good example to teenagers. If you are married and you were a virgin on your wedding day, I encourage you to share your story with other people about how you saved sex for marriage. I really appreciate how one of my friends who had premarital sex spoke to the young ladies at a women’s event about how much she regrets her mistake of having premarital sex with other men and how she wishes she could have been a virgin for her husband on her wedding night. I think if teenagers hear from both virgins and those who have made mistakes that they will be more likely to stay sexually pure. Teenagers and young adults should constantly be reminded of the benefits of staying pure.Sadly, a number of strong Christians who made commitments to stay sexually pure have fallen because they didn’t take boundaries and assumed they were too strong to fall to temptations. Setting boundaries and accountability are very crucial to staying sexually pure. I plan on addressing this in another article at a later time. My friends who were virgins on their wedding day 4 years ago set some boundaries such as 1.) limited physical boundaries 2.) They were accountable to other people 3.) They were never alone in a house.

I encourage all churches and Baptist Associations to look at having True Love Waits rallies each year. An idea is that one large church could host the True Love Waits Rally in each county. True Love Waits rallies need to be reinstated.