Why Do Many Strong Christians Fall To Sexual Temptation?

Alarmingly high rates of strong Christians have committed sexual sins outside marriage today. Many of those Christians made a commitment to save sex until marriage. Many of those Christians are missionaries, youth pastors, pastors, seminary students, bible study leaders, Sunday school teachers, etc. One strong Christian couple fooled around and the lady got pregnant.  It is certainly possible to get pregnant without going all the way and in rare cases with clothes on. Many strong Christians have fallen because they underestimated the power of sexual temptation and think they are too strong to fall.  Many of them don’t set boundaries or have an older Christian couple such as parents who keep them accountable.   Many of those Christians never thought that they would fall to sexual temptation.

God’s will for us is to overcome temptation, but it will cost us dearly, especially our pride. 1 Corinthians 10:12 warns us: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” The first step in overcoming temptation is to beware of the attitude, “It couldn’t happen to me or we are confident that we are strong enough to not fall.”  1 Corinthians 6:18 warns us that we should flee from sexual immorality. It is easy for pride to convince us that we don’t really need to FLEE, and that this instruction is for weaker Christians. We mislead ourselves into thinking that instead of fleeing we can stroll away, looking back once in awhile, because we are strong enough to resist or flirt with temptation. Admitting that we need to flee takes real Christian humility. The strong Christians who are very confident that they won’t fall are most vulnerable.

One of the biggest problems in this generation is that it is very common for dating / engaged couples to spend time alone in a house because many single people get married later in life and they often live by themselves.  Most people lived with their parents until they were married over 30 years ago. It is not necessarily bad that people are getting married later today because God has used many single people’s singleness for His glory in a variety of ways.  Most Christians who committed sexual sin were alone in a house. You also should never be alone in a car or at another place in an isolated place where no one is around.  It is not wise to be alone with your girlfriend or boyfriend in a house even if you both don’t do anything inappropriate because it could ruin your reputation and testimony. You should abstain from all appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22).  There will always be at least one person who will wonder if you engage in premarital sex or inappropriate things if you spend some time alone with your boyfriend or girlfriend in a house or in an isolated place where no one is around.  Think about how hard it would be for teenagers to listen to a youth pastor about purity if he spends time alone with his girlfriend. A youth pastor should be the best example of purity and follow his talk about purity. Many dating teenagers who spend time in a house end up having sex. Think about how many unsaved people may be watching your girlfriend / boyfriend and wondering if you both are really following God’s plan for purity. You should take Ephesians 5:3 (But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people) to heart.  

You should strive to be the best witness for Christ and the best example of God’s plan for purity and that is why you should set important boundaries about staying pure.  The love of Christ should constrain you from doing something that will be damaging to your reputation and testimony.  2 Corinthians 5:14 - Whatever we do, it is because Christ's love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for everyone, we also believe that we have all died to the old life we used to live. 

FAQS About Being Alone Together in a House:

1.)  We are strong Christians who are very committed to saving sex until marriage and we are confident that we can be alone in a house without falling to temptation. We have been alone in a house many times and we have not fallen. Why should we not be alone in a house?  Don’t underestimate the power of sexual temptation. Many people have been alone in a house many times and then fell unexpectedly. The more you spend time alone in a house, the more likely you are to fall.  There are so many temptations in being alone in a house where no one is around and you should avoid being alone in a house for that reason.

2.)  Many single people live alone today so I feel that we cannot look at how things were 30-40 years ago and I think it is old fashioned for us to not be able to spend time alone in a house. You should never look at how things are today. It is certainly not old fashioned to make a commitment that you will not be alone with your boyfriend / girlfriend in a house.  This is an excellent way to honor your future spouse & God and to be the best example of purity.

3.)  I feel it is important for us to spend some time alone and have some privacy. How would we get our privacy if we were never alone in a house?  You can certainly have a lot of private conversations and “time alone” in a house with someone in another room and at restaurants, public parks, coffee shops, etc.

4.)  My girlfriend or boyfriend lives alone in another town that is far and I enjoy going to visit him/her when I can. I don’t know of any other place I could stay at. Why cannot I just spend time at her/his house as long as we sleep in separate beds? This is certainly not a good excuse. You should pay for a hotel or see if maybe you could stay with one of your girlfriend / boyfriend’s neighbors or someone from one of the local churches. Remember how there are a lot of temptations in being alone with your girlfriend or boyfriend in a house and how it could ruin your testimony for Christ.

5.)   I really enjoy going to my girlfriend or boyfriend’s house. Do you mean I cannot go to his / her house at all unless we get married? You definitely don’t have to give up going to his / her house as long as you could get at least one person to be present at all times while you are there. Think about how awesome it would be to invite an unsaved friend or family member to your house and letting them know that you both have made a commitment to not be alone in a house to strive to stay pure for marriage. 

6.)  If it could be guaranteed that we would never have sex or do anything inappropriate, why cannot we spend some time alone together in a house?  God’s word is very clear that you should abstain from all appearances of evil according to 1 Thessalonians 5:22. Most unsaved and Christian dating / engaged couples who spend time alone in a house end up having sex. You will always have at least one person who will suspect that you might be engaged in immoral activity.  It will be hard for people especially teenagers to see you as a good example of purity because they will wonder how you can stay pure with all of the temptations that often lead to sex and why you won’t  take the step in not being alone with no one around.  Don’t forget that unsaved people often watch Christians to see if they really follow their word.  There should not even be a hint of sexual immorality. Think about how being alone in a house with your boyfriend / girlfriend is a hint of possible sexual immorality. Make sure you think about Ephesians 5:3 that says “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

Other Important Articles About Staying Pure:

How Far Can We Go?

Always Speak Boldly in Support of Abstinence Until Marriage

Benefits of Abstinence Until Marriage

Purity is Not Addressed Enough 

Marriage On God's Terms

The divorce rate among Christians is alarmingly high. It has been sad for me to watch a number of acquaintances and friends getting divorced over the years.  It was heartbreaking that one couple’s marriage ended in divorce after a few years. They had a Christ Centered wedding and one of the best weddings I attended. They rushed into marriage without thinking through some important things. The problem with many young people is that they rush into marriage without really getting to know each other well enough.  Many young people have this attitude: “If things don’t work out, we can always get a divorce”. This is contrary to God’s word. God makes it very clear that marriage is a lifetime commitment.  Look at some important verses below.

For I hate divorce,” says the LORD (Malachi 2:16)

To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

Many single people especially women become desperate as they get older if they are not married yet. I had the privilege of meeting Krissy Ludy, Eric Ludy’s sister at Set Apart Girl Conference in Colorado 3 years ago. She didn’t get married until she was 34. Check out her amazing story. She had a lot of pressures that she needed to find a husband because of her age, but she didn’t give in. I admire her for waiting on God’s timing.

I strongly recommend that married couples (to help single people in their lives), singles, pastors, and parents of young adults and teenagers read “12 Questions To Ask Before You Marry” By Clayton and Charie King. Chapter 9: Are You Compatible? is especially important.  I appreciate their bold statement on page 92: Just because you are in love with someone does not mean you are compatible with them.

My Personal Suggestions for Singles & People in Relationships:

1.) Don't become desperate for a mate. Just be patient and wait on God's timing. When you become desperate, you tend to lower your standards.

2.)  Be friends with the opposite sex first before you consider the possibility of marrying them. This is the best way for you to find out what the person is like.

4.) Before you get married, be sure that you go to premarital counseling with a godly pastor who has a strong marriage and believes that marriage is a lifetime covenant.

5.) Beware of a man/woman who starts going to church with you, but never really went to church before.

6.) Even if you have dated or courted someone for years, that doesn't necessarily mean he/she is the right one for you. Seek God's will on this.

7.) If you are in doubt about a relationship, you should pray about it and talk to a pastor or a godly couple who has been married for many years. Never dismiss your doubts.

Always Speak Boldly in Support of Abstinence Until Marriage

All Christians should always speak up boldly about how everyone should wait until marriage to have sex. I was very encouraged to learn that a Christian singer, Rebecca St. James recently spoke boldly about how important it is for people to wait until marriage to have sex on TV.  Check out the video of the discussion. It was so sad that Jay Thomas, the radio host said that when it came to sex before marriage, he doesn’t “buy a car before driving it first,” suggesting that not sleeping with your future spouse could lead to complications in marriage. 

It is so sad that Jay compares a potential spouse to an inanimate object. You can certainly not compare a car to a potential spouse. You should focus on getting to know a potential future spouse’s character without having sex and trust God’s will that it is best for you to wait until you are married to have sex.   Check out the benefits of abstinence until marriage.

I personally believe one of the reasons why so many young people are sexually active before marriage is due to all of the lies they hear from the media & the world about sex. I remember an incident when I was in high school that one high school student bragged about how he already had sex and how our interpreter spoke boldly about how she waited until she was married to have sex and that her husband was the only man she had sex with. I really appreciate her bold stand in a public school environment. We need more Christians to speak up boldly about staying pure.   Look to Tim Tebow and Rebecca St. James as good examples of bold Christians. Don’t be afraid to take a bold stand on purity even if you don’t receive much support. I believe that more young people would stay pure if more Christians would speak up boldly about the importance of saving sex for marriage.

How Far Can We Go?

Many Christians who don’t have sex before marriage have this attitude: “Let’s go as far as we can physically without having sex”. That is the wrong attitude. The question: How far can we go physically should not be asked. Don’t look for a line not to cross so you can get as close as you can without sinning. The goals should be to save as much as possible for marriage and to honor God in your relationship. One good basic principle to live by is to never let someone of the opposite sex to touch you in any area that a swimsuit would cover.

Questions That You Should Ask:

1.) Would this activity glorify and honor God?

2.) If I participate in this activity with a person of the opposite sex, will I have a hard time explaining to my future spouse about what I did with someone else?

3.)  Would my future husband or wife be hurt by the physical relationship I have with this guy or girl?

4.) What physical boundaries does God want me to have in my relationships with the opposite sex? You should pray about this.

5.) Am I giving too much of my heart away? See Emotional Purity.

If you are currently in a relationship, you should pray about what boundaries God want you to set and find some strong Christians preferably married couples who believe very strongly in purity who can keep you accountable. Ask them what they think about your physical relationship often.

Many women don’t realize how some of the physical things they do with guys can cause them to become aroused. One engaged guy shared that God convicted him that he should get out of the hammock with his fiancée because he was enjoying being close to her body and it caused him to have lustful thoughts.  Look at what Ephesians 5:3 says: But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.  Jesus said “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” in Matthew 5:28.  This is why you should set a lot of physical boundaries in your relationship.

I have a lot of respect for Rebecca St. James, a wonderful Christian singer who has spoken a lot about purity to young people. I appreciate her passion about this issue because immorality is so common among even strong Christians today.  She set some great boundaries in her relationships with guys including the fact that she would never lie down on a bed with a guy who she was not married to even if there was no sex at all. She feels that there is something sacred about the bed because of what Hebrews 13:4 says. Rebecca decided the first time she would lie down on a bed with a guy would be on her wedding night. She also made the decision that she would never be alone with a guy in a bedroom with the door shut or even be in a house alone with a guy who was just her friend. She talked in “Pure” Devotional about how she would not go to a single guy’s house alone to work on a song with him. She trusted him, but she wanted to avoid the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22) and she didn’t want people to accuse her of not walking the talk about purity. Some people may think that those guidelines are silly, but they are great guidelines that strive to honor God and help you to stay pure. I personally will never be alone in a house with a guy even if he is a brother due to appearance of evil and false accusations. A number of years ago, I refused to be alone in a house with a childhood friend who is like a brother due to appearance of evil. I have made a decision that whenever I’m in a relationship with a guy that we will never be alone in a house due to appearance of evil and temptations. I desire to be a wonderful example of purity. Being alone in a house with someone you are dating is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Strong Christians are very vulnerable because they often think that they are too strong to fall to temptations.

Good Resources About Purity & How Far You Can Go:

How far can we go in touching each other?

How Far Is Too Far?

Guidelines For Sexual Purity

 

Emotional Purity

I am very grateful that my church participated in several True Love Waits rallies when I was in the youth group.  But there was one issue that was never addressed in my youth group. The issue of guarding your heart and emotions was never addressed.  I was alarmed to see a number of teenagers in the youth group going through painful break ups and how they gave piece of their hearts away that should have been reserved for their future spouses. My parents told me that I could not date until I was 16. I ended up not dating. I decided I didn’t want to do the "worldly" dating game that my friends in the youth group did because of the pain they went through. My aunt told me about how many people in the youth group at her church made a commitment to not date or court until they were ready to consider marriage. Many of them also made commitments to guard their hearts and I really liked that idea. I was amazed at how they were content in their singleness and their willingness to wait on God’s timing. It was amazing that many of them had healthy friendships with the opposite sex. I started attending the singles’ bible study my aunt’s church a few months shy of my 18^th birthday and I gained so many insights about relationships.  We went to a wonderful conference about relationships & dating by Joshua Harris in Atlanta in August 1997. Joshua shared his personal story about how he was still a virgin, but that he had given his heart away and was too physical with his past girlfriend and how he regretted it. He encouraged us to wait on God’s best for a future spouse, stay physically and emotionally pure, and make most of our singleness and that we should be content in our singleness.

Many people bring emotional baggage in marriages from past dating relationships because they had painful break ups and they gave pieces of their hearts away.

The divorce rate is alarmingly very high among young Christians today. Emotions can be dangerous because so many people get engaged or married too quickly without really getting to know each other. They base their decisions to get married or engaged quickly on emotions. People should take plenty of time to get to know each other better and think through some very tough and important questions.  I have had the privilege of having a number of guy friends over the years. You can really learn a lot from friendships with the opposite sex. It took me a year to know that one guy friend and I were not compatible. We never dated. I’m grateful for the wonderful friendship we had.

Check out a great web site about emotional purity and how to set boundaries at http://emotionalpurity.blogspot.com/2007/01/what-is-emotional-purity.html.

Benefits Of Abstinence

The Benefits of Abstinence Before Marriage Are:

1.) You won’t have to explain your past to your future spouse

2.) Virginity is the best gift you could give to your future spouse

3.) You won’t have to worry about acquiring HIV or an STD including HPV that causes 99% of cervical cancer cases

4.) You won’t have to deal with regret, guilt, fear of commitment, and other emotional consequences

5.) You don’t have to worry about how it will affect your Christian witness

6.) You will have assurance that you are in the center of God’s will in this area of life

7.) You will be able to tell your future children that you waited for sex until marriage

8.) Your bond with your future spouse will be much more special if you both are virgins on your wedding day

Concern About Teenagers and Purity

It is so sad about how purity doesn’t seem to be addressed very much with teenagers and young single adults in churches anymore today. I think that pastors should address purity more in the church. It is rare for young Christians to stay pure today. I am very disturbed that there are no True Love Waits rallies in my community anymore. My community used to have True Love Waits rallies each year when I was a teenager. Many churches in the community gathered together for True Love Waits Rally at one location. That was about 17-18 years ago. One of the rallies was on a Valentine’s Day weekend. The rallies had speakers who spoke about God's plan for sexual purity. I have fond memories of a young married couple speaking to the group about how they saved sex for marriage and how it was worth waiting. I think that more young married couples who saved sex for marriage should speak to youth and singles groups. I feel this would have a bigger impact on teenagers because they usually look to Christians not much older than them as role models. Many teenagers signed commitment cards at the rally that they would save sex for marriage. I signed a True Love Waits card and I will give it to my future husband someday. True Love Waits rallies need to be reinstated. They are absolutely necessary in this generation.

Youth pastors and parents should devote a lot of time talking to teenagers and children about the importance of staying pure and how they can honor God and their future spouses with the interactions they have with the opposite sex. Leslie and Eric Ludy who are well known for the book that they wrote, “When God Writes Your Love Story” wrote an excellent book about teaching teenagers true love, “Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-13 Generation”. I recommend that all Christian parents and youth pastor read this book. God has really used Eric and Leslie Ludy to impact the next generation. I had the privilege of attending a purity conference that Eric and Leslie Ludy did at a church in April 2010. There were so many teenagers there and that really encouraged me because churches rarely do purity conferences today.

I was very pleased to learn that one of my friends who is 24 years old posted “I stand in the name of "retro" values, the institution of marriage, sex w/ one man & only after he marries me. Will anyone stand up w/ me?!” on a social networking web site. It made me very sad to learn that only one person commented and agreed on her posting. I am very proud of my friend for speaking up about her commitment to purity. I am thankful that she has chosen to follow God’s will regarding purity even when she doesn’t get much encouragement. She has a wonderful gift to give to her future husband someday. I wish there were more people like her who would boldly post comments about their commitments to purity. She is such a wonderful role model to young people.

I had the privilege of participating in an amazing wedding 4 years ago where the pastor announced that my friends both were virgins and had stayed pure for each other. This was one of the best weddings I’ve attended. The lady was 26 and the man was 30. That really means a lot to me because I was one of the few people in the youth group at another church who kept my commitment to True Love Waits. It is pretty rare for a 30 year old single guy to be a virgin so that was very encouraging to me. This guy is a wonderful example to single guys. Many people in high school think that virgin guys are not cool and that they are abnormal which is not true. I would love to see more weddings where the pastor announces that both bride and groom are virgins. This is God’s perfect plan.

Many teenagers take purity more seriously when they hear younger people value purity. If you are a single adult and you are a virgin, speak up boldly about how you have stayed pure and be a good example to teenagers. If you are married and you were a virgin on your wedding day, I encourage you to share your story with other people about how you saved sex for marriage. I really appreciate how one of my friends who had premarital sex spoke to the young ladies at a women’s event about how much she regrets her mistake of having premarital sex with other men and how she wishes she could have been a virgin for her husband on her wedding night. I think if teenagers hear from both virgins and those who have made mistakes that they will be more likely to stay sexually pure. Teenagers and young adults should constantly be reminded of the benefits of staying pure.Sadly, a number of strong Christians who made commitments to stay sexually pure have fallen because they didn’t take boundaries and assumed they were too strong to fall to temptations. Setting boundaries and accountability are very crucial to staying sexually pure. I plan on addressing this in another article at a later time. My friends who were virgins on their wedding day 4 years ago set some boundaries such as 1.) limited physical boundaries 2.) They were accountable to other people 3.) They were never alone in a house.

I encourage all churches and Baptist Associations to look at having True Love Waits rallies each year. An idea is that one large church could host the True Love Waits Rally in each county. True Love Waits rallies need to be reinstated.